Exhale

Sweet merciful crap, look at how big this massive f****** cow is!

A steer named Knickers is making headlines across the world due to it’s udderly massive size.

Knickers, a seven-year-old steer, stands at an unbelievable 1,400kg and 194cm tall. That makes him as heavy as a Volkswagen GTI and taller than NBA star Stephen Curry.

The Holstein Friesian is so colossal that other cows can actually pass underneath his belly, like he’s some kind of bovine bridge.

To put it into perspective, he’s double the weight of the average steer of his kind and 50 centimetres taller.

While Knickers’ size ensures that he won’t win any games of hide-and-seek, it does have some advantages. Namely, avoiding death.

When owner Geoff Pearson tried to auction him off last month, meat processors refused to bid on him – their machines couldn’t handle him so ol’ Knickers avoided the abattoir.

“It was too heavy. I wouldn’t be able to put it through a processing facility,” Pearson told Perth Now. “So I think it will just live happily ever after.”

The big fella will live out the rest of his leisurely life on Pearson’s farm in Myalup, 136km south of Perth.

He fulfils an important role there as a “coach”, a steer that leads the rest of the herd. So he’s basically the coach Eric Taylor of cows.

“He was always a standout steer from the others, a bit bigger than the rest,” said Mr Pearson, via BBC News.

While “some of his mates” were sent to the slaughterhouse, “he was still a standout, so we thought ‘let’s leave him here, he’s not hurting anyone.'”

Knickers coaches around 20,000 cattle on Pearson’s farm. Most of the cattle are Wagyu and are naturally dark brown, which makes Knickers’ black-and-white hide stand out all the more.

It’s like ‘the Cheerleader Effect’  – where individuals seem more attractive in a group – except Knickers’ group makes him look bigger, the exact opposite of what any woman would want.

The Guinness World Records recognises Bellino – a female Holstein from Orangeville, Illinois, as the tallest steer in the world, but she is recorded as a full 4cm shorter than Knickers.

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