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Behold! A Japanese Twitter user has devised a way to measure a penis… without a ruler

So, the day has finally come. That mystery itching at the back of every man’s mind throughout history has been resolved … at last.

If you’ve ever wanted to measure your, ahem, manhood, but never found that pesky ruler when you REALLY need it, worry no more.

Japanese ingenuity has come to the rescue once again.

Akira Kurosawa, 3D Printing, Nintendo, and of course, the square watermelon are among Japan’s many outstanding contributions to humankind. But we really doubt any previous, or future, Japanese achievement will have the impact and relevance to our species’ advancement as this.

This invention not only puts rulers into disuse, but it finally gives a function to that carton cylindrical core of toilet paper, solving the world’s waste problems and potentially stopping climate change.

Yes, this invention will save the planet and bring us into a new era of prosperity.

Japanese Twitter account @urasahou has posted a novel method for measuring the size of a penis, BOTH in length and girth, WITHOUT having to use a ruler.

Yep, this is HUGE. (pun intended)

There is no longer need to improvise using callipers, optical scanners, micrometres or even that crazy Brannock device we all love.

Instead, all you have to do is put your beloved friend into the core of a roll of toilet paper. Voilá!

The genius that came up with the idea even devised a handy (pun intended) chart to determine your size. The darn thing is in Japanese, but we have taken the liberty to interpret it for you.

According to the new criteria, lengthwise:

● If your penis doesn’t protrude from the far end of the carton core, well you don’t really want to know. Drop the carton and forget about the whole thing.
● If your penis sticks out two centimeters or less, well you better be a fantastic cook. You’re average.
● If your penis protrudes more than two centimeters, this is your lucky day. You’re huge.
● If more than half of your junk protrudes from the end of the core, you’re dreaming. Wake up.

The nifty chart also has criteria for girth:

● If there’s plenty of room to spare inside the core: Remember, good humour is key in any relationship.
● If there’s a snug fit, well, there are worse things in life: You’re average.
● If you can’t insert your thing without tearing the core like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk: Get outta here!

Just to clarify, user @urasahou or whatever team of well-funded scientists is behind the account, stated that they used a standard consumer-sized roll of Japanese toilet paper for this amazing invention.

We are truly living in amazing times.

About the author

Filmmaker. 3D artist. Procrastination guru. I spend most of my time doing VFX work for my upcoming film Servicios Públicos, a sci-fi dystopia about robots, overpopulated cities and tyrant states. @iampineros

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