This ‘smart condom’ detects STDs and tells you if you’re a good lover (or if you’re not)

If 2016 didn’t completely destroy any faith that you had left in humanity, the invention of the i.Con ‘smart condom’ surely will.

Why? What could be so bad about a ‘smart condom’? We know that using a condom is smart in the first place, so a smart condom seems to make a lot of sense.

But here’s the inside scoop. Firstly it isn’t very smart, and secondly it isn’t even really a condom. In fact, it doesn’t actually exist!

At the moment, the ‘i.Con’ is but a mere pipe dream – open for ‘expressions of interest’ on British Condoms. And we can only imagine what type of person would want to be notified about the release of a £59.99 ‘synthetic rubber ring’ that measures “calories burnt, duration of intercourse, how many thrusts (averaged), girth measurements, and various other pieces of data.”

You’d have to be having some pretty impressive sex, or just be a complete narcissist, if you wanted to keep track of that!

It’s not all bad though. The i.Con also promises to be feature “built-in indicators to alert the users to any potential STDs present.”

In theory, this sounds fantastic! However, we aren’t exactly sure how it would work. Do you get a text message alert? Does the ring glow red? Is there some type of alarm?

At £59.99 we’d really hope that the i.Con is reusable, but we’re a little unsure about how you would effectively sanitise a device with a micro USB port. It would be like trying to clean the germs out of cut marks in a wooden chopping board (*shudders*).

Set for release by the end of the year, it’s time to say hello to the future of sex!