by Milo Sumner in Tech on Monday 30 June 2014

We’re not sure if this is the greatest thing to ever happen to MANkind, or the very worst. A new machine is hitting Chinese hospitals, which according to the urology director of Nanjing Hospital is designed ‘to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way’.

The principle is elegant in its simplicity. Ah, who are we kidding. The word ‘elegant’ belongs as far away from this as possible. It works like this, the man sticks his business end into the projecting slot, presses a button and lets the machine do the rest while just standing there. If he’s feeling choosy he can also mess around with temperature, frequency and position.

Something is wrong here – maybe it’s the fact that it looks like a kind of pseudo-erotic dalek, or maybe it’s because it’s just sitting in a busy corridor where the user has literally no privacy as if he’s just using an ATM. Regardless, Let’s hope this contraption stays in Nanjing and never finds it’s way into our hospitals… let alone our homes.

Here’s a video of the automatic sperm extractor in action, thankfully without a compliant volunteer.