by Inigo del Castillo in New Products on Tuesday 19 November 2013

Christmas is near and the question that always haunts us during this time of year resurfaces once again: ‘What do I get her/him?’ Well, we do not know the answer for that, but here’s a list of what not to give. Take notes, people.

Blood bath shower gel
What’s worse than giving soap and bath products as a Christmas gift? Bath products that remind her of her nasty and mood-inducing monthly visitor, that’s what. Except if she’s into that S&M thing then go ahead. Mmmm nothing feels fresher than having a hot blood shower!

Butt reveal underwear
Available for both men and women, the Shiridashi Butt Reveal Underwear is a weird but funny fashion item from Japan. Upon closer inspection, it doesn’t actually reveal your butt, though it makes an interesting statement out on the streets.

Chewbacca couch
This can go two ways. 1) Despite your inherent good intentions to help redecorate her apartment, she will hate this couch cover because she hates the single most epic movie in the history of mankind. 2) She will love it and that is the sign for you to get on your knees, because a girl like that is a keeper. True story.

Crocodile diving experience
They say the best gifts are experiences that you will cherish for the rest of your life. I don’t know about “cherishing” but this trip will certainly inject some adrenaline in your relationship. Go diving with man-eating reptiles, and the two of you will want to start the rest of your lives much sooner than you expect!

Face mask
When you go to the beach during the holidays, you wouldn’t want each other to get sunburned. Sunblock doesn’t work anymore, with climate change and all. So give each other these face masks. Not only will you get protection, but you’ll be the centre of attention! Win-win for all!

Nicolas Cage eyeshadow
Give your lady love makeup. Women love makeup, you can’t go wrong with that one. Except maybe if you give her an action packed makeup kit! Here’s a normal eye shadow, but starring Nicolas Cage. Absolutely by any circumstanes, do not give this to her, unless you want her to be Gone in 60 Seconds (sorry had to put that in).

Nose straightener
This nose straightener that looks like you’re picking your nose says “I love you just the way you are, but I’ll love you more with a nose lift. Use it 20 minutes a day while you think about our undying love.”

Panda coat
Wait ‘til the guys see this at work on Monday. Of course, no guy can reject his missus’ gift, so he’ll have no choice but to wear this until he can somehow properly dispose of it. But for the meantime, introducing Panda Coat, perfect for business meetings and after-work drinks with the boys.

Pizza perfume
Ladies, you have to understand that we only want you to have the fragrance of something that will continually keep our attention. I promise this will instantly attract every guy within sniffing distance. Your man will crave for you, like literally!

Push up bra for men
There’s no better way to make your man feel his manliness than by giving him this push up bra. His ego may get a bruised ego but no worries, as long as he has the chiselled physique of Ryan Gosling, all is well in the world.