The world needs a celebrity called Panda. Keen not to miss her chance on X-Factor, she checked herself out of hospital – where she’d been down with pneumonia – openly flirted with the sexually ambiguous Simon Cowell, sang a belter of a tune where everyone fell in love with her, and was ushered off the soundstage in an ambulance as she’d come down with pneumonia again. Adam Curtis said, evolutionarily speaking, pandas are ‘the most sophisticated animals in the world. They cannot look after themselves, they are useless at reproducing. But to compensate they have managed to persuade the most advanced creatures in the world – human beings – to care for their every need’.