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Schemes like these

So my protegee is in full training for the annual International Whistling Championships which take place in North Carolina each year and I’m reasonably happy with his progress, though he did struggle a little the other day when I had him doing pushups whilst belting out the distinctive chorus hook to Norwegian Wood. The other night we performed a duet at a house party. While I bashed out the chords on my guitar to Stone Temple Pilots’ Plush, the whistler hit a series of sweet, sweet highs as he took the melody to places never before seen. Or heard. It was actually a resounding performance, which suggests that his lips are in fine voice indeed. So I’ve suggested that he insure the damn things with Lloyds of England. Heck, you don’t want to take a risk with these things, and I figure if Kylie Minogue can do it with her ass, then there’s no reason why he also shouldn’t protect his finest asset. Of course, as his self-styled Svengali, I will be taking a hefty proportion of any payout should there be any damage done in the lead-up to the event. But that is most unlikely. Most unlikely indeed. Hmmm. Now where’s that kettle and my cast-iron Allen key. [painting by Joe Sorren]

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