Making a fire
I have a question. Who the hell invented the English language? Which sick and sordid minds were responsible for the litany of double-meanings that make any sort of conversation — innocent or otherwise — a veritable minefield of verbal innuendo. Seriously, there are a handful of words I simply refuse to use because they just sound completely ridiculous. Muffin for instance. Muffin? If Benny Hill wasn’t responsible for the addition of that one to our lingo, then he certainly would have taken considerable pleasure in uttering the damn thing. Over. And over. And then there’s crumpet. That word just has a dirty ring to it. Plain and simple. In fact, whenever I’m forced to use it, I can’t help but feel like a seedy bastard on the pull. Which, of course, I am. But generally with more tact. Nope. The only way forward is to boycott them altogether. To make a statement by not making the statement at all. Muffins ha! I’ll be calling them ‘froz’. Crumpets? Phewy. They’ll henceforth be known as ‘those strange bread-like things that are full of holes’. And as for moist. Well I don’t even want to go there. Suffice to say that the English language – as intriguing and complex as it is – is a nightmare. Especially to those predisposed to wayward leanings. Next … [illustration by Yuri Shimojo]
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